| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|11:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm awake asleep freezing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | starlight mints | ] |
well im posting it.
perhaps of interest:
I JUST FINISHED RUNNING ART RENTAL! now going to spend a semester eying a swimmer every morning...
(for ?s look at string under boynamed_h)
Their reply was:
1. well you didnt really give me much time there, but if you insist.
2. One By One All Day by The Shins / Amelie maybe? that just came to me, I dont know why.
3. Pineapple!
4. You still have to get drunk and sing me the PDS song someday...
5. I know I've known you longer, but my first real coherent memory would have to be seventh grade english.
6. A small yellow bird.
7. This is way too broad, but what were you like as a child?
8. GO!
-jcw- |
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| well |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|11:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | even | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ones i digdig: albert alyer, sonny, coltrane , eric | ] |
against me:
ruining a lot of shirts by putting jacket with pink lining with them.
bella going mad and keeping me up at night
the mess
my heels
kristin cancels
fiscal troubles--the savings are dwindling rapidly
no direction on my paper
eating too much pasta
lack of motivation
for me:
eating too much pasta
seeing movies
living dying peach purple flowers
the guy with michael jackson jokes singing me mariah carey
jazz radio, even with some of the more out stuff
going to jaques torres to buy hannah chocolate tomorrow
wearing slips as clothing
wind outside
cold beer warm book
-jcw- |
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| heel. |
[Jul. 10th, 2005|10:00 am] |
hello you strange world.
bella red slip constantines seeing matt + rents writing ivan computer crashing old white plane flying across my view toes one red nail maya central park emile? jesse?? hey princeton girls uh wtf weather whatever What ever purns reserves vs stacks florecents vs natural tables bolted to floor and painting permanently off center left to right now hands over heads now boat barge freight blue speedo red school bag yellow tiles laundry laundry declining with nothing to fill your place. "i just" cant & convincing is not really a first priority here white shine whie cream dirt grid thick wonder and sit back in a stare. i am mmmmm spoiled. should clean should go should write call row (Astor:( try but water is moving bathtub empty going back to bed with dreams of a lake in trees where the trash truck isnt. to clear my head--
like knuckles:
dont bail on me.
dont think something other than that.
dont worry so much youll be fine.
dont build me up.
dont call.
just come over.
like nails:
i have to.
i looked for you.
i know trust me.
im serious.
im sorry.
im talking to you.
-jcw- |
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| navigatore |
[May. 16th, 2005|01:30 am] |
azure:light purplish blue, of a deep somewhat purplish blue color similar to that of a clear October sky, any of several dyes used as biological stains
cerulean: light greenish-blue pigment consisting essentially of oxides of cobalt and tin
cobalt: blue to green pigment consisting of a variable mixture of cobalt oxide and alumina, moderate to deep vivid blue or greenish blue
sapphire: a light shade of blue, a precious transparent stone of rich blue corundum valued as a gemstone
teal: A moderate or dark bluish green to greenish blue, Any of several small, short-necked freshwater ducks that feed on the surface of the water and often have brightly marked plumage
turquoise: A light to brilliant bluish green. A blue to blue-green mineral of aluminum and copper, mainly CuAl6(PO4)4(OH)8·4H2O, prized as a gemstone in its polished blue form.
navy: A dark grayish blue, [From the color of the British naval uniform.]
indigo: (b) A dark, dull blue color like the indigo of commerce*
prussian/iron: A moderate to strong blue or deep greenish blue. An insoluble dark blue pigment and dye, ferric ferrocyanide or one of its modifications
ultramarine: blue pigment made of powdered lapis lazuli
royal: blue tinged with purple, deep to strong
peacock: moderate to dark or strong greenish blue
*b) The essential coloring material of commercial indigo, from which it is obtained as a dark blue earthy powder, with a reddish luster, C16H10N2O2, which may be crystallized by sublimation. Indigo blue is also made from artificial amido cinnamic acid, and from artificial isatine; and these methods are of great commercial importance. Called also indigotin. (b) A dark, dull blue color like the indigo of commerce |
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| kathleen made me do it |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|01:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | waiting for laundry, wasting t | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cure, out of this world | ] |
first name Jennifer
age 20
Stripper Name: Bebe
Specialty: dancing sexy to music
Customers say: "Want fries with yer shake?" |
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| no you are no you are you are youare! |
[Jan. 10th, 2005|09:44 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | wayne shorter, virgo; mingus, theme for lester young | ] |
elia came today. she used kristins phrase oh youll look so cute like a pixie when i told her its all goin. (kristin and her i only now realize Must meet.) callin somewhere good tomorrow for something at the end of the month...positive irena and marisa will mourn and everyone else i later see will think what a shame but f u c k That.
only a couple hours we spent at moma. didnt get very far because i am still recuperating and she found it good but draining quickly. we sat alone in the indian place by the subway (in all honesty perhaps a bit on the oily side?) but with bollywood playing for just long enough to giggle and move our shoulders to, then for our conversation to go on and on: radio and occasional convesation in the kitchen room as white noise; red walls and pillowcases with embroidery and dime-sized mirrors, darjeeling tea, colored paper streamers, and orange-colored, mango-almond chilled desert, on the house. no you look like mona lisa he said, but she only asked me after he and his napkin flourishes left us for as long as we desired.
i told her all about the breast milk article and she told me about nate. people at oberlin, people we are close to, people from home, summer, movies for me! (this one went on for a long time), winter term, being sick, about what we experienced in moma but also about looking at art, waldorf, ethnomusicology, working for profs, eating hot pretzels in the city vs not, buses, why they ask to help you, family--clearly this is not in the particular order, or to say that we exhausted any of these, now though you get the idea.
bought purple and white roses. they are sitting on the table. i took a few out barefoot in my blue nightgown with my lavender shirt on after i washed my face. only bella looked on, and even then from a safe distance. |
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| oh donna lee how i pine for thee |
[Jan. 6th, 2005|12:39 pm] |
how is it that you can have no voice while having a cough that rivals the decibel level of the construction outside?
surveys are silly. that being said i decided to make my own. i mean what else am i supposed to do in this state?
How are you?
Who are you?
Where are you?
What are you wearing?
What do you wish you were wearing?
What is the last song you had stuck in your head?
When was the last time you had a hot shower?
What do you smell like?
What is your favorite food?
Can you cook?
What did the last stranger you looked at look like?
What did you dream about last night?
What was your dream when you were a kid?
The best place youve ever been is:
What is the most recent thing you did that you wish you hadn’t done?
What is the most recent thing you didn’t do but wish you had?
A month ago you were:
A month from now you will be:
Do you have any pets?
Do you like them?
Why?
Are you dating anyone? If so, what is their name?
Why are you dating them?
If you were an animal youd be a:
Because:
Your parents are:
Your siblings are:
Your home is:
What do you think of your school/job?
How old are you?
Do you like being this age?
The best time in your life (was, is, or will be)
In a past life you were:
In your next life you will be:
Last night:
The people you will know for the rest of your life are:
The first thing you do in the morning is:
The best feeling in the world is:
The one ? this survey forgot to ask is: |
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| after wearing the same pair of pants 3 days in a row... |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|09:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
dear everyone who has ever had a first day at a job,
now, i understand that this is completely shallow and it doesnt matter a bit because i am an intern and not getting paid yada yada, however i would like to share that i havent changed my outfit this many times since...what? my first date with ryan in september? nonono! even better: safer sex night where the Point is to were as LITTLE as possible. without, well, you know..
in other news:
max (the max?) is my new favorite restaurant. maybe. you know, i dont go out a ton/havent been out in a while. but first one to come visit me (who hasnt already) gets dinner on me.
if i were a part of a drum set id be a high hat, close runner up: bass.
winter term should be longer.
i have started to eat fish; shiraz is my favorite wine.
i am finally alone. and happy.
happy (belated) new years.
-jcw- |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2004|09:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | full | ] |
on the ride home there was an accident about 30 miles outside of syracuse that made traffic slow to the walking pace of an 80-year old. i got off at the nearest exit and then spent the next hour trying to reach sedgwick. impatience's pay-off was an "i told you so" from my gas tank at new york prices no less but i didnt care that much as now i have an idea of what is east of syracuse. or at least what is east of syracuse on rt 5.
my mother was in the kitchen when i finally arrived--wired and fuzzy as per usual nowadays. immediately i thought "whywhyWHY did i not just go straight to oberlin?" but things got better after i spent 20 minutes Not driving. at dinner i spewed water all over the table because a made me laugh so hard i nearly died while i was drinking. also enjoyable was when one of my mother's professors came over to the table to say hi right as i finished saying, "And how is the crazy lady? you know, the one who is out to get you?" but the real icing on the cake was when i was trying to explain to them about sol lewitt and conceptual art (b/c apparently he is giving a piece to nancy) but didn't notice the waiter over my shoulder (who was waiting ever so patiently for me to put my arms down so he could take away my plate) until After i was done the unnecessarily lengthy description that amounted to diddly squat.
bella pretends not to notice when i come home anymore while i pretend not to care. but i know she sees me--she wouldnt shadowbox with a tonight because i was watching. the pipes in our house creek like the pipes in burton. when i first heard them this time i got scared like i did for the thunder early on friday morning before i left. a joined the kerry campaign after reading the article about bush in the sunday times and called people in florida or pennsylvania tonight asking them if they can meet "...in front of the mighty mushroom pizza palace on whateverstreet..." it is funnier when you hear him leave the message. honest.
-jcw- |
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| full dimensional sound |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|07:19 pm] |
in my next life i am going to be a violin player.
i am going to school tomorrow. the words impending doom come to mind. i was thinking of fleeing the country but then hannah would come find me and drag me back after giving me a severe beating for not coming to breakfast with her, her father and andrew. what are friends for if not that? funny i feel this way. i too have people i want to see & things i want to do; i too had a wonderful time last year. maya is coming to visit me later in the month too (Ha! people really do come to ohio just for me) which is pretty cool. i don't know if i can show her half as good a time as she showed me in london, but i'll do my best.
ohio really is cold, grey, and flat. in case anyone forgot: i canNOT live here when i get older.
-jcw- |
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| locked out? |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|09:22 pm] |
recently trying to make a little space on my computer before going to school & found this. thought id put it here so i might remember what my brief visit at the beginning of summer summer in town looked like. besides, though originally an email, wasnt it written more for me than for who i sent it to?
hello.
only the best things:
The man eating his ice cream on the benches that look at the fountain and the three part gravel walk bordered by small flowers. he has an old, perfectly maintained bike that he used to get there, wears a peach polo shirt, tan skin and white combed hair. He looks like a vocabulary we left decades ago.
Firefly, the first one I saw all year(? or did we see one that after i came back with my car? well it was celebrated as the first one I saw)before tossing with the three of them on the side of the chapel.
Lying awake in mayas room under a childhood quilt--a firefly on the screen in the dark, then flying around the dark room.
Putting my arms in the water, walking around its edge. Leaving it then watching the couple in high school next to it. He bounces the ball she catches it. After pretend fighting they walked alternating.
Walking up the stairs in perfect weather. Stairs of stone made far enough apart so that you cant go more than one at a time.
Boy on the shoulders of dad. His sandal falls off in the middle of the crosswalk. On the sidewalk all three turn around in surprise.
The small world espresso man dave and his hair.
The sound of the cicadas and their red plastic berry eyes.
I love you I love you I love you too I say back to Miranda.
Overwhelming relief and gratefulness--this year as I walk up to the door they still remember me and scream running at my legs when I come in.
Nuzzling Ginger's fur into my face, petting her chin and belly while resting my body on hers.
Cappuccino., either you get it or you don't. What they have at school doesn't come close.
Blood Orange Sorbet.
Pretty green road with warm wind and new music I tap to.
Diving into a warm pool, tickling feet in the hot tub, falling backwards while holding hands.
Island Beach State Park: laughing in the ocean, the ocean for the first time this summer!, contact frisbee, watching the sun come out first far away, then travel to our small sheet.
Cowboy boots as a promise to myself.
-jcw- |
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| save me... |
[Aug. 22nd, 2004|09:06 pm] |
...im in syracuse. i cant go out of the house without saying where im going. which is pretty damn redundant as its clear i have no where to go.
i have three things to say to you if you suddenly find yourself wanting to buy an suv: the seats in the subaru were not designed for small people. the benz has a 6-cd changer but you'll never use it because in the trunk. you are a moron for wanting to buy an suv.
raise your other hand if you overdrew your bank account 2 or more times this summer.
not developing your own b&w film blows. why does the quality always suck unless you do it yourself? anyone? i miss working in the dark room.
12) its all in the timing.
camus rocks. i wish i could read french.
people who blast lights on their lawns all night long are morons.
no one knows it yet but i stole the scream.
a few weeks ago i was on the subway. it was pretty packed, all the seats were taken, people were standing but not crowding. i was going to read one of the last plays for stein but instead i stared at a mother and her little girl.
the girl could not have been more than 4 and she was sleeping in her mothers arms. her head was resting on the mothers neck and her heavy limbs laid limp. she had short straight brown hair, dark honey skin, and a white cotton dress with yellow flowers. the mothers eyes were fixed ahead until she closed them because she was tired too. you could tell they werent american. her mother was thinking of a world far away from the busy city her daughter was seeing--this place is so wholly different from what she knew at her age. feeling her daughters back in her hand for a moment she was infinitely weary. they seemed so misplaced there that i thought of them again today. like beautiful aliens. |
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| glamour, no i's |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|09:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | interpol & white stripes | ] |
my great uncle tells me i am quitting school and going to hollywood. he is very old. he also tells my parents, my grandmother, and at least a couple cousins this news. one of them who does not know me takes him seriously. surprised how much i secretly enjoy this. not that he tells people, just that he thinks it. while it would be an insult to some to say the most glamorous & beautiful you will ever be is in the eyes of your distant elderly uncle, it isn't for me. it's more of an endearing vacation from my usual, frumpy, day-to-day existence that i'll forget about soon enough than anything else.
find out someone i never met just died. don't even think i have heard the name before. try hard to be appropriately sad and give condolences to the right people when i hear, only to ask in the car ride home how we are related. if any of it was straight in my mind i'd tell you...
hear stories of my long-gone, crazy great aunt, elsie. she left home at 12 to go dance with a cross between the ziegfeld follies and a traveling circus. later, at the top of her stairs she posed in long, glamorous nightgowns for her relatives, waiting for applause. she gave back the gift of a portrait from an artist and devoted admirer and made him redo it, saying it wasn't flattering enough. this is just the tip of the iceberg, but i'm not sure i should mention the rest here. toying with the idea of naming the next important individual in my life who comes to me unnamed (dog, cat, bird, kid) after her. if the name carries any link to the personality it would, if nothing else, keep things interesting.
look at pictures of the woman's funeral i went to earlier this year. in one she looks like a 50's movie star to me; her very dark brown hair and very deep red lipstick look the same color in the old photo. her silky dress is only a couple shades darker than her pale elegant arms which look at the same time natural and distorted as they keep her propped up in the doorway.
find out judy (one of the few relatives we keep in regular touch with) has stage three kidney cancer. in the car we talk about what would happen if her kidneys stopped functioning. judy and shim, aunt judy and uncle shim. she has always seemed to know how to do it right. how on earth would these things keep going without her?
maddie, the cousin who is my age & who i have always been in contact with, is in the city this summer. she has a paid internship in pr for people's revolution and is living in a large room with a roommate in soho. eating out, dressing up, typical maddie.
(the real glamor/class/money/etc. will always sit on that side of the family. while i probably won't live out my own family legacy of academia, i certainly am not joining in their success. it would never stick.)
we tell each other that we must go out but make no concerted effort to say goodbye to each other. still can't imagine where we would go together.
hear a short story being read aloud over the radio in the car. like the line "i feel like a liquid trying to do a solid's job." wonder if i ever have an ideal state, what it will look like.
-jcw- |
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| "i just have to ask, is there a hole in your glass?" |
[Jun. 12th, 2004|11:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dirty feet | ] |
| [ | music |
| | monk, straight no chaser (time 4 in a row) | ] |
went to riverside park today after failing to figure out what to wear to the biggest and only family reunion ever. in my life anyway. what does "casual" mean to people who earn their living on racehorses? what do you say to people who you have never met or cared to meet ever before in your life? if i don't make it through tomorrow maya will be very disappointed. how ever bad it is, it's only one day, right? thoughts of how i will be perceived suddenly made me want to run away forever, so after trying on every dress i own, i put on a tee shirt and my favorite grey pants and left.
the park was so nice. but i seated myself too close to the edge that looks down on the baseball, and then found myself turning around every few minutes to look at everyone passing by. noticed some guy sitting on the bench behind me reading. he looked content. then, when i had all but forgotten the fellow, he said in a lull of foot traffic:
"what are you reading?"
hu?
ok, so he's not the guy from the philharmonic but you are leaving the day after tomorrow. repeat: you don't know anyone else in the city, why not?
so i go over.
we talk. can't remember his name for the life of me. the one thing i truly enjoyed that he said was that his father always called him by his middle name because that is what he wanted to name his son. but the deal was his wife got the first names.
he said everything right. he is working on a novel, doesn't care how old i am, he will start teaching english at hunter in the fall, lived here before, came back from colorado recently, had biceps he was proud of, traveled everywhere, reading that book rob (not schwartz) read some time when we were together. author starts with an h? loves literature. quoted something from long day's journey into night when learned my major.
the fact he said everything right made me uncomfortable. he ended his story with something like, "and that pretty much takes me to today, when i was sitting on this bench and i saw a pretty girl looking around and then i asked her what she was reading, and then you came over." maybe it wasn't that bad. but it was bad enough. he grinned. he was tan. these are usually good things, what's wrong with me? why did i tell him i'm not dating anyone? (because maybe if he was different i would have been angry that i told him i was dating someone.)
(more importantly because you're not dating someone if you say to each other: "do whatever you want with your summer, i'll see you next year." right?)
i didn't give him my last name, but i gave him my email. damn! in fact, he has probably looked me up on aim and google and this thing and is reading this entry right now. or maybe not. in any case, i should really get an email address to give to all the people who ask me for it.
he invited me out to drinks. realize if i wanted, i could go out for drinks a lot more here than i could at home. this is new for me. but then i'd make a lotta enemies because you buy me a drink and that doesn't change anything for me. i refuse to feel like i need to repay you. i would rather be undesirable than easy. so think twice before you say, "next round is on me."
-jcw- |
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| greetings from dubai |
[Jun. 11th, 2004|11:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | full | ] |
| [ | music |
| | saves the day, in reverie | ] |
slightly worried about being lonely here when i come back from london. mentioned it in an email to rob. (schwartz.) no re as of yet. maybe before monday, when i leave. i probably won't get one though. it doesn't mean he didn't read it. it's just, he's never been big on email.
want to be able to call up someone and go see a movie with them, but the only person i'm comfortable calling up here is very busy.
in the past couple days i have been wondering about how people meet in the city. it seemed to me a very lonely place today. maybe that is because i have been feeling seriously under the weather--stomach issues--and also because i saw this young jewish man carrying flowers walk up to his girlfriend. she literally threw her arms around his neck. i looked away but when i looked back they couldn't have looked more in love.
i told perns i wouldn't mind a summer fling, but at the present moment i can't imagine an offer i would accept. the street corner couple seem to have a love i most likely will never have again. it was so romantic, so far away. i tell myself there is nothing objectively wrong with this, it just means i am getting older, that's all.
i told a that if a guy starts talking to me here i assume he is trying to pick me up, and if a girl starts talking to me here i wonder whether she is trying to pick me up. oh what a year at oberlin can do to you.
three instances that could have gone differently:
- at the philharmonic in intermission there was a man in business attire but still young. maybe it was the haircut. or the way he acted. he looked very glum, with his hands in his pockets, a pinstripe suit on and tie. like he wasn't used to wearing such a suit. he paced up and down outside, like i would have if i hadn't felt the obligation to stand with a while he talked to louise on the phone. we looked at each other a couple times in the fifteen minutes. everything time i looked at him pacing i just wanted to go up to him and say, "hi. can i walk with you?" but i didn't. i'd like to think a was what held me back. we would have looked nice walking together, if only for those last few minutes; me in my favorite black-and-white dress and him in his suit. if ever i am in a similar situation with someone who has such an honest look to him, i hope i will act differently.
- in b&n the last book i picked up was zinn's The People's History of The United States of America. a very attractive guy started talking to me about how he just finished it, how he loved it, how it was so great to read it at this time. i really didn't know what to say. thanks, great, oh good, i'm glad--i probably said all of them. at least once. he was so enthusiastic. it startled me. so i sort of ran away. nix the sort of, our parting was definitely one-sided. i think he had to cut his sentence short because i had interrupted saying, "well thanks, bye." after i left i wondered, why had i been so short? i don't know anyone here, what would have been the harm in getting his number?
- walking out of my local starbucks the guy who held the door open for me said how he started my book (apparently carrying around this book elicits a lot of reactions) but then never finished it. he wasn't intimidating in any way; he was probably the oldest of the three of these men, almost balding, short, glasses, stocky, high-pitched voice. because of this i was completely comfortable. we exchanged a few other words, nothing important, then went our separate ways. and yet, it was nice. i think that if i could have a few interactions like this a week, i wouldn't be lonely. even if i don't have someone to call up and go to the movies with.
-jcw- |
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| idontknowidontknowbutithinkso |
[Jun. 8th, 2004|04:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sore hamstrings, warm hands | ] |
| [ | music |
| | portions of modest mouse from memory | ] |
thoughts brought on by trying to retain a pinch of self-esteem after revisiting rejection:
1. there is nothing you can do. (about it now.)
2. nothing ever stays the same. (aparna)
3. really think about the people who make you feel good. i know this sounds like a self help book but this week that is easy. kristin, priya, matt, jan, and everyone else in princeton you saw. you love them. and when they make you happy you couldn't be luckier. remembering them on the drive made you feel so good.
4. this happens to everyone. not this exact thing, but some sort of rejection. and if it doesn't happen to everyone, well fuck those who it doesnt happen to. because it has happened to a lot of us. even the really great people like tom. i think. besides, if it never happened then it would be a lot harder to be compassionate. and besides, isn't there something to be said for contrast?
5. life is a series of ups and downs. (elizabeth)
6. the only person i am living with for my entire life is me. i know, this may be obvious to most of you, but every now and then i remember this and sometimes current situations then seem less important. am i really going to let another person get in the way of my happiness? in the long term that answer should be no, of course not. in no way should this discount my self-worth.
7. deep breath. another one. (brian)
8. there is nothing wrong with being single.
9. for the rest of your life. i mean really, you know a few really great single women (laurie, caroline, that woman you really like with the silver hair who's name you forget, maria) who have wonderful relationships and lots of friends and adventures. you admire, respect, and sometimes desire exactly that. so really, isn't rejection just another opportunity in disguise?
(ok yea, that one might have to go because of the high cheese content. damn, i just want to get to ten.)
10. rejection should not discount the past. in your mind it usually does, but it really shouldn't. rejection does not discount what has passed. it just means that whatever was there no longer exists.
-jcw- |
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